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The Official Newspaper of Joe Casaletto's Fantasy Football League

Mid-Season Tower of Power
by Drew Geaslen

October 23, 2008
Sports pundits are talking about how unpredictable the 2008 NFL season has been so far.  Well the 2008 JCFFL season has been even worse. Last week, 4 of the top 5 scoring RBs lost! RB is supposed to be the foundation for any winning fantasy team, but not in 2008.
The JCFFL has never had a season with every single team having a shot at the playoffs this deep into the year.  With every team so close together and no true favorite the Midseason rankings get that much tougher to predict. Even last place Quebec at 2-5 is only two games out of the fourth playoff spot. 
Bundies have threatened, yet none have been materialized.  Ronnie Brown 5 TDs unowned; Coles 3 TDs in one quarter; and last week alone SJackson, MMoore, and LWhite all came within a TD of a Bundy.

11th- Quebec Interrogatives (Ricky Brake)
2-5 (11th place) 387.02pts (8th) Preseason rank (10th)
I wanted to rank Quebec higher because along with Beirut, they are JCFFL's hard luck teams with 3 losses when scoring 50+ points. But really, in the 2008 JCFFL you need to score 60+ to be assured a W. Right now, all Quebec has going for it is the 2nd best rushing attack in the league with Barber and Graham. The Interrogative WRs, once thought to be its main strength, have grossly underperformed with exception to a few nice games from Burress. Together with the expected poor play out of the QB and D spots, Quebec will be returning to the Toilet Bowl once again.

10th- London Princesses (Ken Beury)
5-2 (T-1st place) 430.52pts (3rd) Preseason rank (11th)
Shocker special!!! London has been the surprise team of the first half of the season, sharing the best record in the league so far. The Princesses have benefited from a little luck, winning 3 games after scoring less than 60 points (most in the league). So despite scoring the 3rd most points so far, I see a second half swoon for Prince Charles' crew.
London has been riding high on the league's 2nd best passer Kurt Warner and 2nd best defense, Pittsburgh. The Steelers schedule only gets tougher from here on out, and Warner is a concussion away from the IR. London's roster has been hit hard with injuries.  Charles has been spot on with scrub replacements, so the law of averages is squarely against Buckingham Palace right now. They may sit at the top today, but London's still only two games out of a Toilet Bowl berth.

9th- Los Angeles Strikers (Erick Henson)
3-4 (T-7th place) 375.44pts (9th) Preseason rank (8th)
One of the keys to success in the JCFFL is having a top D or two. The Strikers have that in spades, holding two of the Top 5 Defenses in the game.  No other team has two Ds in the top ten. 
Sadly, that's all Los Angeles has. Big Ben has not performed to the level he was at a year ago. Calvin Johnson, McFadden, and the Burner Turner all have big play potential, but haven't performed consistently enough to earn fantasy stud status. It is possible for the Strikers to get hot and make the playoffs -- a good D goes a long way in the JCFFL -- but realistically, LA is playing for 2010.

8th- Montgomery Village Idiots (Wes Young)
3-4 (T-7th place) 374.56 (10th) Preseason rank (6th)
Another team whose supposed strength (RBs) has underperformed this year. Ryan Grant has been non-existent and Joseph Addai has fallen to injury, leaving the job to rookie Steve Slaton. Slaton has posted good numbers, even against top defenses (unlike Michael Turner).  If Slaton can carry the team until Addai returns, the Idiots can escape the Toilet Bowl.
McNabb has returned to form, but there is still concern at WR.  Top threat Witten has lost Romo. Holt and Bruce aren't exactly leading the Greatest Show on Turf anymore. 
Montgomery Village has two top 15 Ds, but their scheds are hit or miss, and likewise are the Idiots' chances at the playoffs- hit or miss.

7th- NC Gorilla Unit (Dave Guitano)
3-4 (T-7th place) 343.20pts (11th) Preseason rank (7th)
At the start of the season, it looked like the G-Unit wouldn't need LDT's annual Bundy. At the midway point, not only does NC need it, but Tomlinson won't be the one to give it to them. Fortunately, G-Unit now has Adrian Peterson to step up where LDT has fallen and can't get up.
Even though they gave up Reggie Wayne for Peterson, they still have the highest scoring WR trio in Fitzgerald, Evans, and DeSean Jackson. But troubles at QB with only one semi-reliable starter in Delhomme and the league's most atrocious D duo keep the G-Unit from breaking out. Barring a Bundy, NC has Jan Brady written all over it.

6th- Tijuana Dwarfs (Lorne Neff)
5-2 (T-1st place) 443.00pts (2nd) Preseason rank (4th)
It's hard to really place where Tijuana should be. The Dwarfs have the best QB in Brees, the 3rd best RB in Bush, a trio of WRs who were ranked 3rd best but have not lived to expectations, and a pair of Ds ranked 2nd best but have disappointed with a 8th place showing. 
On paper, they look like they could be the second best team.  But considering how poorly the WRs and Ds have played, it is surprising that they are 2nd best now. Unfortunately, the outlook doesn't look as good for the Dwarfs with the loss of Reggie Bush.  Along with Owens and Roy Williams losing Romo, the next month will be a rough stretch for the Dwarfs. But they'll be at full strength when it counts come playoff time, looking to be the team nobody wants to face.

5th- Beirut Hezbollah (Jeff Tayoun)
3-4 (T-7th place) 416.16pts (5th) Preseason rank (3rd)
The Hezbollah's #1 QB combo spread terror throughout the league, until the AK-47 known as Romo was jammed up for a month. They lost more firepower when Houshmandzadeh and Moss lost their QBs,, transforming them from Molotov cocktails to gravel throwers. 
Clinton Portis has proven to be the impenetrable tank as the best scoring RB in the league even with a couple of dings.  BUF D stands on the right side of 20 points, giving the terrorist franchise a solid sleeper cell base.
Despite all adversity, the will of Allah will compel Beirut into the playoffs and the ultimate prize of 72 vestal JCFFL trophies.

4th- Lansing Massive Layoffs (Joe Casaletto)
4-3 (T-4th place) 400.68pts (6th) Preseason rank (1st)
The loss of Brady initially sent the Layoffs into a tailspin.  But after a 0-2 start, Lansing won 4 of 5 to put itself back in playoff contention. And they did it by switching their strengths and weaknesses. Losing Brady dropped their passing attack from 2nd best to 9th, while the pickup of Forte and S-Jax vaulted their weak 11th ranked rushing attack to first in the league.
Brandon Marshall and Andre Johnson are the best pair of WRs in the league, while Braylon Edwards has nowhere to go but up. The Layoffs have an average pair of Ds, so only the play at QB - which before was taken for granted - can bring this team down.

3rd- Twin Cities Erectile Dysfunction (Bill Brake)
4-3 (T-4th place) 420.46 (4th) Preseason rank (9th)
The Erectile Dysfunction previously rated to just miss the Toilet Bowl are now rated to just miss the Super Bowl. As a testament to the strangeness of the 2008 season, somehow the 2nd worst ranked trio of WRs (Roddy White, Hines Ward, and Chambers/VJackson) has become the second best scoring trio in the league. The uncertainty around LJ would be a problem, except Gore has been consistent every week. Eli is putting up Peyton numbers more often than Peyton does this year.  Add in solid D play from CLE and PHI and the Twin Cities are thinking playoffs for the first time in franchise history. 

2nd- Orlando Swingers (Drew Geaslen)
4-3 (T-4th place) 399.28 (7th) Preseason rank (2nd)
After an 0-3 start had Swingers across the nation more upset than when Hugh Hefner closed down the Playboy clubs.  The addition of Peyton's significant other in Reggie Wayne helped Orlando get their swerve back with 4 straight victories. Matt Schaub has picked up whenever Peyton has an off day (sadly becoming far more often) and Reggie Wayne and Santana Moss are the league's second best tandem. So long as Colston's thumb is fully healed, and with Bush and Shockey out of the picture, the Swingers have a good chance at the best WR trio at season's end. 
CAR D has been huge for the Swingers after draft-day busts SD and SEA were dropped.  While some Swinger fans may lament the loss of a possible APeterson/SJackson backfield, Ronnie Brown and Marshawn Lynch have been consistent while not spectacular. The pieces are in place, yet the last time I said this, my team lost three straight. Hopefully, history doesn't repeat itself.

1st- San Antonio Muckrackers (Mickey Darrow)
5-2 (T-1st place) 454.96pts (1st) Preseason rank (5th)
Everything is bigger in Texas, and the Mucks are certainly having a bigger season now that they moved back to San Antonio. Both Cutler and Rodgers are playing at their full potential.  Because of that, Greg Jennings is battling Larry Fitzgerald for WR of the Year honors. Keeping with the Pack connection, San Antonio gobbled up Favre's new targets in Coles and Cotchery, giving the Mucks the 4th best WR trio.  TB D is a top 5 D, with JAX a solid backup. 
Injuries could derail San Antonio's title hopes.  Westbrook has already missed 3 games and Rodgers is a hit away from the injury report. But with the lack of any D in Denver forcing Cutler to throw all night, the Mucks should continue to light up the Alamo fantasy scoreboard to their second JCFFL championship.

Pre-Season Tower of Power
by Drew Geaslen

August 30, 2008
Each team was graded from 1-12 by position, with 1 being best. Kickers were not
included since it's a crapshoot every year.
After two years of nearly every team keeping the max 3 players, this year half the league entered the draft with less than 3 players. Again, the owners in attendance did remarkably better than the ones voting by proxy. This year only one absentee managed to crack the top half of the rankings.

12. London Princesses (Ken Beury)
QB- 11th, RB- 10th, WR- 8th, D- 9th Total: 38
Prince Charles was infuriated that the Pflugerville team disbanded after winning the Toilet Bowl, marking the first time the JCFFL went without a defending TB champ. Charles claimed, "The Lounge Lizards abdicated the throne! The JCFFL needs a true Toilet Bowl king, and I will give it to them."
Looking at London's roster, he might have done it. The Princesses' strategy for 2008 must be to rely on the power of Jesus to get them through the season, because the draft sure didn't do them any favors.  Kurt Warner, hero of London's last run to the Toilet in 2000, is back again eight years later.  Kurt will have to battle Jon Kitna, the Ned Flanders of the NFL, each week for God's favor in making the starting lineup.  The team's main strength and franchise players are their WRs, who are all second bananas on their own teams. That just about says it all.

11. Quebec Interrogatives (Ricky Brake)
QB- 10th, RB- 8th, WR- 5th, D- 12th Total: 35
The race for the JCFFL's first three-time TB champ is on!  Not to be outdone by Prince Charles, Alex Trebek has vowed that the vacated Toilet Bowl crown is Quebec's rightful heritage.  The Interrogatives come into 2008 just as they began 2007, ranked #11 on the Tower of Power, and still having never once making the SB playoffs.  Some pundits look at their solid core at RB and WR & claim they'll have a tough time missing the playoffs for the ninth straight time. But the long-suffering Quebecois know better.  The worst Ds in the league and a really really poor preseason by FP Carson Palmer are sure signs of doom.

10. Twin Cities Dysfunction (Bill Brake)
QB- 12th, RB- 2nd, WR- 11th, D- 8th Total: 33
It's pretty hard to separate the two Brakes in these rankings.  They always manage to land side-by-side. The strength of Gore and LJ at RB keeps Twin Cities out of the cellar, but it will be tough for the backs carry the team much farther than last season's 3-11 finish. Eli Manning needs to show last year's Super Bowl run wasn't a fluke as he has no help behind him. Roddy White takes the "franchise player who would've gone undrafted" torch away from Ron Curry this year.

9. Los Angeles Strikers (Erick Henson)
QB- 6th, RB- 9th, WR- 10th, D- 4th Total: 29
Going to dinner with the wife you see every day, or drafting with your buddies that you only do once a year? The British accent must make it tough to say no, but Erick is probably wishing he had. Even curiousier was the move to not keep any players.  If you are going to start fresh, you kind of want to be there. Darren McFadden second overall got the reach of the draft taken care of pretty early, and with Calvin Johnson onboard it appears the Strikers are targeting the 2010 JCFFL championship.

8. Tampa Subway Footlongs (Jared Rutherford)
QB- 7th, RB- 1st, WR- 9th, D- 11th Total: 28
When you don't show up for the draft or submit a picksheet, you lose the right to name your own team.  The Footlongs are following in the footsteps of the London Princesses in that respect.
Coach Jared is used to having big pants to fill, and following up after 2007's record-breaking successful expansion teams puts him back in that familiar position.  
2008 does appear to be a good year for an expansion team to enter the league.  With two teams dropping out and half the league not keeping 3 players, there was a wealth of talent for the Footlongs to select from.  First overall pick Adrian Peterson is a game changer, and the addition of Marshawn Lynch at RB2 provides the Footlongs with an upgrade to the full meal deal at that position. 
Subway sprinkled on more toppings like Schaub and Shockey, then brought in some of the oldest meat from the refrigerator in Favre, Harrison, and Holt. You can tell this team wants to win now, as half of its roster will retire at the end of the season.

7. NC Gorilla Unit (Dave Guitano)
QB- 8th, RB- 4th, WR- 6th, D- 10th Total: 28
It took redneck Dave eight long years to return to the Super Bowl after the inaugural season.  Hopefully it won't take another eight to get back. Fortunately for NC, Tomlinson gives the team a free pass to the playoffs every year.  
In '08, it looks like they might not even need LDT's annual Bundy to make the playoffs. Fitz and Wayne give LaDainian two stud WRs to depend on, and if either Garrard or Delhomme live up to their potential, then the rest of the league is in danger. But Tomlinson is the keystone. Should he get injured, the season prospects drop down lower than Wachovia stock.

6. Montgomery Village Idiots (Wes Young)
QB- 5th, RB- 3rd, WR- 12th, D- 6th Total: 26
Young stunned the league by not keeping every Redskin on the roster.  Then he skipped the draft, preventing him from grabbing every Skin in sight. The result is a team that has the potential to bring Montgomery Village its first ten-win season.
Addai/Grant are one of the best combos in the league at RB, and McNabb/Hasselbeck will be a terror if they recover from their injuries. Not wanting to go completely Redskin-free, they do have the WAS D.  If they should fail, then there's only the fading CHI D to fall back on.  A bigger concern is at WR, where it's never good to have a TE as your top receiving threat.

5. San Antonio Muckrackers (Mickey Darrow)
QB- 9th, RB- 5th, WR- 4th, D- 5th Total: 23
After a long stay in Upstate NY, the Mucks are returning home to San Antone, leaving NY with no representative in the league at all.  Could the move back to Texas return the Mucks to their championship ways?  All five of their RBs and WRs are capable of putting up huge numbers. TB and KC Ds are strong and have relatively easy schedules. Only unproven Cutler and Rodgers at QB can bring this team down.  We think one of them will break through.

4. Tijuana Dwarfs (Lorne Neff)
QB- 3rd, RB- 12th, WR- 3rd, D- 2nd Total: 20
The Dwarfs want to party like it's 1999, because that's the last time they won the Super Bowl. Tijuana is still rebuilding from the riots sparked after coming so close to winning it last year. 
Roy Williams was the steal of the draft in the 8th round, combining with Steve Smith and T.O. to give Brees three stud WRs.
Following the team philosophy, Tijuana once again took 2 RBs from the same NFL team.  Instead the Dallas backfield, the Dwarfs went with New Orleans this year. Coach Mini-Me says, "Speaking as someone who is basically half a man himself, I know the importance of teamwork.  It really breeds confidence in our players, knowing there is a clone teammate who always has their back."

3. Beirut Hezbollah (Jeff Tayoun)
QB- 4th, RB- 6th, WR- 1st, D- 7th Total: 18
Beirut took the JCFFL by jihad last year.  Storming onto the scene with seven straight wins, building to a 10-1 record heading into the playoffs, until suicide bombing out the season with three straight losses.  Their 10-4, first round losers season stands as the greatest expansion team record in league history.
Shamed by the way their 2007 season ended, the Hezbollah are determined to take the chipped-up JCFFL trophy out of the hands of the infidels this year. Portis and Young are a rock solid backfield.  Moss, Houshmandzadeh, and Driver give Beirut the best WR trio in the league. But it is the addition of Tony Romo to this lineup really puts the AK-47 into the hands of these Islamic militants.

2. Orlando Swingers (Drew Geaslen)
QB- 1st, RB- 7th, WR- 7th, D- 3rd Total: 18
The Swingers have been trading the trophy with the Layoffs for the last four years, and this year it's their turn. Orlando has also never gone two straight years without making the Super Bowl.  They didn't make it last year, so they're due.
It will be up to the league's strongest QB duo in Peyton Manning and Derek Anderson to take Orlando back to the promised land. The defenses are top notch with cake schedules. Orlando just needs Steven Jackson to put up his '06 numbers instead of repeating his '07 stats to claim their fourth championship.

1. Lansing Massive Layoffs (Joe Casaletto)
QB- 2nd, RB- 11th, WR- 2nd, D- 1st Total: 16
It looks like Joe took a course in the Neff School of Drafting, disregarding his RBs.  If it weren't for that position, the Layoffs would be the clear cut favorite to become the first repeat champion in JCFFL history. 
As it stands, Lansing is still the decent favorite. Most teams could make do with just Brady, but Lansing has loaded him up with the best Ds and second best group of WRs in the league. The only real question is whether or not the Layoffs will be burned by depending on Michael Turner at RB.

10+ Years & Still Rolling On

February 11, 2008
In 1998, some nerds working out of their garage invented a website called Google. Meanwhile, that same year one super genius stud working out of his apartment invented a website called JCFFL. Taking the GW Bush view of history, we can only wait for future generations hundreds of years from now to determine which event was more important in American history.

Hoff Goes Off, Won't Go Soft

February 11, 2008
David Hasselhoff, coach of the current JCFFL champions, says, "The NE Patriots quit running up the score on teams halfway through their season, and look what happened. They lost the killer instinct, and their dynasty ended just like that."
"As Layoffs coach, I promise we'll keep running up the score every week, all year, including preseason. We will always leave the starters in no matter how meaningless the situation. Our goal is to be the first back-to-back champion in 2008, crushing and humiliating all who would stand in our way. It's time for America's mitten to take off the gloves!! No mercy!!"

Super Bowl X

December 23, 2007
With Layoffs coach Hasselhoff in the hospital after suffering alcohol poisoning, and Tijuana coach Ron Mexico busy getting settled into prison life, it was up to the players to take matters into their own hands. 
Both teams battled to the finish, but in the end the Layoffs fulfilled their destiny, capping the greatest JCFFL season ever with a 68.04-64.70 win. 
Hasselhoff taped a special message which was played over the jumbotron after the game: "I am so proud of our players and our fans. You have inspired me clean up my act and get sober ... so I can have a proper world championship celebration & get completely obliterated from scratch ! ! Wooooooooooo! "

Week 2 Playoff Recaps

December 17, 2007
SB R2    Same Ole Lions (8-6) vs Layoffs (11-2)               
    Much like the real-life Lions, the Same Oles humiliated themselves this week, scoring a mere 27.76 pts, and they lost by almost 40 pts.
Both expansion franchises have been kicked to the playoff curb, pitting Lansing vs. Tijuana in Super Bowl X.  It's being called the $100 war, as both teams were man enough to placed the optional side bet before the season.  These same franchises faced each other in Super Bowl II (1999).
    
SB R2    Long Schlongs (11-3) vs Fudge Packers (10-3)            
  The Fudge Packers will earn some consideration for the Choker Award, losing their 3rd straight game this week after a 10-1 start to finish 10-4.  The Pack was never really in this one.  Perhaps the personification of this team is TJ Houshmanzadeh, unstoppable most of the season until fizzling out down the stretch.

Jan Brady Bowl
Circle Jerks (8-6) vs Muckrackers (8-6)
    With both teams mailing it in as expected, the crowd at Applebee's Wonder Bread stadium was treated to the most competitive game of the week.  The outcome went down to the wire.
  Inspired by an emotional "Kick one for the questioner" speech by Alex Trebek on his hospital bed before the MNF game, CHI K Gould's 7 pts gave the Jerks the opportunity to chant, "We're #7!".

Toilet Bowl
Lounge Lizards (3-11) vs Stars (2-12)   
The game was held at the Vick dogfighting compound, and featured a festive halftime show with the Jingle Bell dogs barking out their rendition of the classic song at halftime.  Frisbee dogs, sled dogs, and Snoop Dogg provided entertainment throughout the day.
  There were no big heroes on either side, but what do you expect from a Toilet Bowl?  Adrain Peterson's (Bears) MNF performance got enough yds to put the Lizards over the 40 point mark, earning free Snausages for all in attendance.
 The Stars couldn't do anything, and finished their 2007 season 2-13.  They will take their place alongside other shameful teams in Erick Henson's franchise history: the 2003 Leftover Kimchi at 1-13, and the 2004 Leftover Kimchi at 1-14.

Week 2 Playoff Previews

December 14, 2007
SB R2 Same Ole Lions (8-6) vs Layoffs (11-2)
It's the battle of Michigan, and the only thing for certain is that there will be rioting in the streets after the game.  The mayors of both Detroit and Lansing have mapped out "celebration devastation zones",  areas in their cities which would be better off burned down anyways.  "Kind of like a cleansing forest fire in nature," says Lansing mayor Virg Bernero.  "We'll wipe the slate clean on S. Cedar and N. Pennsylvania and start over."

SB R2 Long Schlongs (11-3) vs Fudge Packers (10-3)
The rookie Fudge Packers team gets their first taste of playoff experience in a great matchup against Tijuana.  The bonus points are already flying fast and furious.  Pakistan has unleashed their pit bulls and drunken kickers on the world in an effort to gain every possible off-field advantage.  Tijuana's pickup of MIN D last week has paid off quickly with 7.5 playoff BPs.  Coach OJ Simpson's style is like watching a slow-speed car chase.  He has yet to make a roster move - a concept that he claims is considered blasphemy in Pakistan.

Toilet Bowl 
Stars (2-12) vs Lounge Lizards (3-11)
This year's Toilet Bowl is being played at Michael Vick's dogfighting compound in Virginia.  The rape stands are still oiled up and available for use if any players deserve the punishment (Andre Davis and Selvin Young are on notice).  The refs promised to look the other way.
LA is playing to save the future of NFL football in the city.  If they lose the Toilet Bowl it proves the city is not worthy of the sport.  The Lizards are from Texas, which one would think is punishment enough in itself.

Jan Brady Bowl 
Circle Jerks (8-6) vs Muckrackers (8-6)
It's the JCFFL's version of the NIT, and the excitement level is locked in on "medium".  We're down to our final two most mediocre teams in the inaugural Marsha Marsha Marsha Bowl, played at Applebee's stadium in Columbus OH.
Alex Trebek suffered a heart attack yesterday, another sign that coaching the Quebec team is so frustrating it might actually kill him this year.  But the team says he has no sick days left and refuses to give him time to recover.  "We will strap him up to the gurney and wheel him out to the sideline if need be," said a rep from the HR dept. 
The once-proud Upstate NY team marks its 2nd straight year of missing the SB playoffs under Maria Sharapova.  She can relate to the middle of the pack, as she often plays Jan Brady to the Williams sisters' Marsha on the tennis court.

Week 1 Playoff Recaps

November 15, 2007
SB R1    Detroit Same Ole Lions (7-6) vs Orlando Swingers (7-6)               
The Swingers' miracle run to the playoffs and quest for a repeat championship is over.  The Same Ole Lions made the Swami's 6-point win prediction look genius, as Detroit defeated Orlando by 6.76 pts.
Plenty of blame can be passed around by the Swingers, but it wasn't Peyton Manning's fault.  Manning was the high scorer of the game. The Swingers have to wish Tony Dungy hadn't decided to take Manning out in the 3rd quarter.  The Colts just don't have the killer instinct of the Patriots.
In Detroit the cars are already alighted in celebration.  Adrian Peterson's 14 rushes for 3 yds were no matter, as Detroit got 2 TDs from Jamal Lewis to pick up the slack. 
In the latest sign that the apocalypse is upon us, we are looking at two of our final four SB playoff teams being expansion franchises.

SB R1    Tijuana Long Schlongs (10-3) vs NC Gorilla Unit (2-11)
Coach Kanye's hand-picked whipping boys from NC almost didn't fulfill their role.  Trent Edwards (who is the BUF QB in case you didn't know) enjoyed facing the Miami Dolphins so much he took full advantage by throwing 4 TDs.  LaDainian did his part, and a healthy dose of bonus pts put the Unit in good position.  
With all eyes on the Monday game, illegal aliens streamed across the border all night.   Tijuana Franchise Player Drew Brees stepped up on MNF to save the team's season.

TB R1    Lounge Lizards (3-10) vs Dysfunction (2-11)
 This game epiomized the crap-tacular action we look forward in a TB matchup.  The two worst scores of the week were turned in. 
In the end it was the Dysfunction who broke their 11 game losing streak, beating the Lizards 38-31.

TB R1    Stars (2-11) vs Gorilla Unit (2-11)
This one played more like a SB playoff matchup.  Fresh off a one-game winning streak, LA was hoping to end the year with a bang, but instead will return to the Toilet Bowl for the 2nd year in a row.

JB R1    Princesses (6-7) vs Circle Jerks (7-6)       
The Princesses played like they were disappointed at being bumped up out of the TB bracket earlier in the week.  The Circle Jerks played like they were angry at the world after choking away their best chance ever at making the SB playoffs. 
In the biggest mismatch of the week, the Jerks blew up the scoreboard with 80 points to send the Princesses back to the castle.

JB R1    Village Idiots (7-6) vs Muckrackers (7-6)   
The Mucks took a predictably uninspiring Jan Brady matchup by the mediocre score of 55.12-42.84.  Most of the credit has to go to Upstate's Jay Cutler, who busted out with 4 TDs and 0 INT.

Welker Laid Off

November 15, 2007
Andre Johnson is finally going to play this week, which means Lansing coach David Hasselhoff is gonna have to put his Johnson back into action.  This forces the breakup of the Layoffs' awesome Colston/Welker/Edwards WR trio.
"It pains me to do it, but I'll have to cut Wes Welker," said the Hoff.  "I was sitting here eating hamburgers off the floor, trying to figure out what to do.  Fantasy coaching sure is hard.  Then the artificial intelligence of my Pontiac Trans Am kicked in and said, 'When in doubt, cut the white WR'.  I told KITT that was racist, and besides I was actually thinking Colston anyway.  But KITT says he will run me over if I drop Colston, so Welker it is."

Mid-Season Tower of Power

October 25, 2007

13. Los Angeles Stars (1-6)
Pre-season: 8
This team's implosion is the worst disaster coach Tom Cruise has seen since War of the Worlds.  Cruise has declared this season Mission Impossible, and has signaled for his Scientologist alien overlords to call him back home.

12. Twin Cities Dysfunction (2-5)
Pre-season: 10
With his Tour de France title stripped, Floyd Landis can finally move on.  He tries to focus on coaching the Dysfunction, but his lifestyle is ruled by his naturally off-the-charts testosterone level.  He has been known to frequent bars in every league city, using the line, "Hey baby.  How about you making this ex-Mennonite your man tonite?"

11. Pflugerville Lounge Lizards (2-5)
Pre-season: 7
If lizards do not get heat from outside sources, they begin to feel numb from the cold and eventually fall into hibernation to survive.  Perhaps this is why the team got off to a decent start, and since October has been playing like a sack of crap.

10. London Princesses (4-3)
Pre-season: 5
Whispers out of the royal palace are that coach Prince Charles is really taking it hard now that his 1998 London Princesses squad has been knocked off the pedestal of greatest expansion team ever.  The prince has been spending so much time watching Pakistan move up the standings that his own roster has fallen into disrepair, like the British empire in its last days.
Marc Bulger is not rock hard any more, Griese has slipped, Boldin is scared, and McDonald makes the fans grimace.  Toomer is a clubhouse cancer, Parker can't get started, and Ward is just a minor person under the protection of a guardian.

9. Montgomery Village Idiots (3-4)
Pre-season: 12
If Brit had changed her baby's diapers as often as she is changing the Idiot roster, she would have gotten custody instead of FedEx.  Dropping Betts and the Washington WRs pissed off the fan base, but all that is sure to be forgotten after the next pantie-less limo exit.  
Jon Kitna has to be having a crisis of faith after the Detroit Lions suddenly decided to turn into a running team. And only a sign from above could have convinced Tony Dungy to start splitting Joseph Addai's carries with an undrafted scrub.  If those two situations don't turn around, the Idiots hold on respectability is as tenuous as Britney's hold on her sanity.  The team and coach Britney are both still standing, but for how long?

8. NC Gorilla Unit (1-6)
Pre-season: 6
The G Unit reminds me of North Korea.  We would like to laugh at them, or even ignore them.  But they have a weapon of mass destruction called LaDainian that could go off at any time.

7. Detroit Same Ole Lions (3-4)
Pre-season: 13
While their fellow expansion team the Fudge Packers are making them look bad, coach Fontes deserves some credit for steering the franchise in the right direction.  Joey Harrington has been cut, and no one in Detroit is allowed to ever speak of his name again.  They have a solid group of future Franchise Players in Peterson, Romo, and Calvin Johnson.

6. Quebec Interrogatives (4-3)
Pre-season: 9
2007 marks the 400th birthday of Quebec, and in not one of those years have the Interrogatives made a trip to the playoffs.  
Just when it seemed that this would be their season, Matt Hasselbeck invoked the curse George W. Bush on them.  First, God showed his displeasure at Hasselbeck by attempting to smite the Bush-loving QB with a falling overhead TV camera.  That missed, but the very next week we learned that Brownie won't be doing a heck of a job for Quebec any more this year.  There still is enough talent here to make a playoff run, but their history is against them.

5. Upstate NY Muckrackers (4-3)
Pre-season: 2
The most underachieving team in the league is personified by the likes of Chad Johnson, Philip Rivers, and Travis Henry.  Of course they could pick it up at any time, but half the season has gone by and they still stuck in the muck.

4. Orlando Swingers (4-3)
Pre-season: 1
After the top three teams there is a big dropoff.  Every player on this Swingers team is worse than they were last year, and even coach Milano admits she is really more into baseball players.  It's the classic post-superbowl season hangover, exacerbated by the fact that some of these players are still nursing actual hangovers.

3. Tijuana Dwarfs (5-2)
Pre-season: 3
The solid but unspectacular Tijuana team has been ducking under the radar in true dwarf fashion.  But much like coach Michael Vick's dogfighting ring, or when he was posing as alter ego Ron Mexico, this team can't remain a secret for much longer.  The combination of Dallas' entire offense and the NE D pretty much guarantees we'll be seeing this club in the playoffs.

2. Lansing Layoffs (5-2)
Pre-season: 4
The league BCS computer almost ranked Lansing #1 after their two consecutive 100 pt games, but an undefeated Fudge Packer team could not be denied.  One NFL Network commentator thinks that any controversy over who is #1 is ridiculous.  "Layoffs?  Layoffs?!  Did someone say the Layoffs should be #1?  They'll be lucky to win another game!"

1. West Pakistan Fudge Packers (7-0)
Pre-season: 11
Since the JCFFL BCS computer's hard drive is clogged up with viruses, spam and porn,  the top ranking has come into question on the sports talk shows.  Also, the mere fact that West Paistan is an expansion team causes an automatic lack of respect - already manifested by their forced name-change to Fudge Packers. 
But no one can stop the franchise that doesn't know the meaning of the word "lose". Pakistan continues to pile up wins like naked bodies at Abu Ghirab. Moss and Houshmanzilla are probably the best 1-2 WR combo of all time.  Coach OJ hasn't had to make one roster move all year.
 

Fudge Packers Journey To New Home

October 24, 2007
In an event that absolutely everyone could see coming, LaDainian got his first Bundy of the year.  He chose to re-name the Beirut Hezbollah to West Pakistan Fudge Packers.
Coach O.J. gathered the Beirut team together to pose for one last team photo before they started up the Mayflower moving vans and relocated to Pakistan. The reason being, "We expect to suffer several casualties along the way," the coach explained somberly,.  In order to move from Beirut to Pakistan, the moving vans had to travel through the following countries in order: Syria, Jordan, Iraq, Iran, and Afghanistan. 
The Bundy re-naming also diverted the team's focus from terrorism to homo-eroticism, another dangerous idea in this terrorist-loving and gay-bashing part of the world.  The new team logo, featuring Saddam and Osama naked in bed together holding wine glasses, was prominently featured in giant murals on the side each moving van. This posed a special danger while driving through Iran, where being gay is punishable by death.
Jeff Gordon volunteered to drive the rainbow-colored vehicles through their treacherous journey, and they really needed his expertise to dodge all those scuds and IEDs.  When the Fudge Packer bus finally pulled into West Pakistan, it resembled John Candy's car in Planes, Trains and Automobiles, but all the passengers survived. Matt Schaub was winged by a sniper, but O.J. said it was only a flesh wound and praised Allah for his good luck.  The locals went crazy with the joy of having a team to call their own, setting off their suicide vests and car bombs in celebration throughout the night.

The JCFFL 5/13th Season Awards

October 10, 2007
The JCFFL 5/13^th season awards are based on the Yahoo Mail emoticons.  Every possible emoticon used.  One emoticon was assigned to one award each.  The Lounge Lizards rec’d no awards, so I guess they are the lamest team of the year.
There is no description in yahoo on what these emoticons actually stand for, so what you see next to the picture is my best guess.

 Smile award

WINNER: Dwarfs
The most points the NE D has given up in any game this season is 17.

 Frown award

WINNER: Princesses and Stars
Neither team has earned a Bonus Point all season.

 Happy smile

WINNER: Hezbollah
Randy Moss has to be the happiest surprise of the year.

 Wink

WINNER: Swingers
The Swingers are willing to “suffer” through as many weeks of Steven Jackson’s injury as necessary, so long as Edgerrin James is his replacement.

 crying

WINNER: Gorilla Unit
For LaDainian’s tearful antics and the GU’s own record

 Laughing hard

WINNER: Gorilla Unit
It is funny to watch the team that talks the most smack start out 0-5.

 indifference

WINNER: Swingers
Peyton Manning and the Colts are undefeated, and no one really gives a shit.

 angel

WINNER: Hezbollah
Randy Moss has not done anything wrong this season.  So apparently the Randy Moss we saw in high school, Notre Dame, Florida State, Marshall, Minnesota and Oakland were not the real Randy.  Either that or it is a contract year.

 tongue sticking out

WINNER: Layoffs
Donovan McNabb complains about how everyone is racist, and then the next game lights up the scoreboard with 3 TDs to his white receiver.  Then after that he goes back to not throwing to the white guy just to spite everyone who picked him up after his big game.

 me love you long time

WINNER: Layoffs
Given to Donovan McNabb for only being good for a short time – one game.

 shock

WINNER: Stars

What the hell happened to the Stars’ young core? Update on their franchise players: Marques Colston was the first Franchise Player to be cut. Matt Leinart lost his job to Kurt Warner then got knocked out for the year. Shawn Alexander just plain sucks.

 bi-curious

WINNER: Brady Quinn

 Angry

WINNER: Dwarfs
It’s hard to say which star it is most justified to be angriest at at this point in the season, but we’ll go with Drew Brees because no one saw this coming.

 sunglasses

WINNER: Layoffs
Tom Brady is now scoring more fantasy pts than perennial QB leader Peyton Manning. The Patriots are so good, they make fantasy football important - since the real NFL champ is a bygone conclusion.  And somehow I don’t think Peyton is bagging supermodels in the sack.

 uneasiness

WINNER: Brady Quinn

 devil

WINNER: Same Ole Lions
Their owning the ATL D entitled them to Michael Vick and all of his crimes against humanity, nature, and banks that lend him money.

 confused

WINNER: Swingers
Cowboys assistant coach Wade Wilson tried to treat impotence with HGH.

 possibly gay

WINNER: Brady Quinn

 high

WINNER: Dysfunction
Ronald Curry: franchise player

 nerd

WINNER: Gorilla Unit
Isaac Bruce keeps guaranteeing victories for STL that just ain’t gonna happen.

 talk to the hand

WINNER: Village Idiots
Clinton Portis takes 100% of the rushing TDs for the resurgent Redskins, leaving Ladell Betts with nothing to do but wait patiently for the next Portis injury.

 sleeping

WINNER: Hezbollah
Have not made one roster move all season

 shhh

WINNER: Muckrackers
They fell off the radar after two early losses.  Don’t look now, but they are on a run of three straight wins.

 barf

WINNER: Interrogatives
Matt Hasselbeck voted for Bush twice and gave him a Seahawks #43 jersey at a fundraiser.

 rolling eyes

WINNER: Stars
They earn this one for being the current holder of Lee Evans.

 offended

WINNER: Muckrackers
Roy Williams offended dates with his McDonald’s dinner policy and offended pizza delivery guys with his no-tipping-ever policy.

 Clown

WINNER: Muckrackers
Travis Henry is like a clown because he amuses me.  I love reading stories of his multiple baby-mamas and multiple drug busts.

 love

WINNER: Interrogatives

If you love someone, set them free… 
Quebec drafted Ronnie Brown, dropped him, and picked him up again.

 wacky

WINNER: Princesses
LaMont Jordan is about the most consistent and reliable RB in the league so far.  Who saw that one coming?

 high again

WINNER: Village Idiots
Franchise players: Ladell Betts and Jason Campbell

 Drooling

WINNER: Layoffs
Tom Brady has got a harem of hot girlfriends going

 thinking

WINNER: Village Idiots
Their all-Redskin, all the time strategy might just work out.

 annoyance

WINNER: Gorilla Unit
The BAL D earns this one, for having the ability to slightly injure QBs week after week yet still not knock them out of the game.

 cheering

WINNER: Interrogatives
Ronnie Brown breaks out of a RBBC to put up stud numbers on a terrible Miami offense.  Heck of a job, Brownie

 cow

WINNER:Layoffs
Larry Johnson, you frickin lazy cow, start scoring some TDs right now!

 embarrassed

WINNER: Entire league except Hezbollah
For letting an expansion team, which did not attend the live draft, stand pat with an auto-pick roster and be the lone undefeated team in the league after 5 weeks.

 chicken

WINNER: Same Ole Lions
Laurence Maroney’s habit of being listed as questionable yet not playing in games earns this award.

 rose

WINNER: Interrogatives
Plaxico Burress wins the rose for earning the same amount of fantasy points as Moss, except Plax doesn’t practice.  That gives the edge to Plax on style points.

 cowboy

WINNER: Dwarfs
For having 2 Dallas RBs and 2 Dallas WRs on their roster

 alien

WINNER: Stars
Santonio Holmes’ game is like an alien landing.  Two TDs or zero yards, you never know what or when it will happen.

The Shelf Is About Empty

September 27, 2007
Teams are hitting the Shelf Preferences form hard this week. Week 4 starts the bye season, plus there is a long list of injured big-name players this week including Steven Jackson, Marc Bulger, Jake Delhomey, Shaun Alexander, Ahman Green, Santana Moss, Hines Ward, Jay Cutler, Brian Westbrook, Rudi Johnson, and last but definitely least J.P. Sore Loserman.
The Gorilla Unit is rejoicing that Deuce McAllister is out for the year, meaning Reggie Bush just doubled in value. "I think we just got ourselves a stud RB at 50c on the dollar," said coach 50c. "Lord knows we need the help. LaDainian was yelling at the QB during the game, then practically broke down crying in front of the press afterwards."
Meanwhile Ladell Betts is wondering, "What do I have to do, hire Tonya Harding and give her a lead pipe to take out Clinton Portis? I am a franchise player on the Village Idiots for chrissakes. Somebody tell coach Britney a franchise player needs to be a starter on his own team! As they say down at the strip club, the more touches you get, the better your chances to score. I tried to tell her that, but she just snorted a line and removed her underwear! [pause] Ah ... now I see why they call us the idiots!"

What the Hezbollah?

September 26, 2007
The entire league is getting pissed off at the Beirut Hezbollah expansion team for being so good. After three weeks, a friggin expansion team is undefeated and ranked #1 in the league. Other coaches are warning the team to watch their backs, noting that no expansion team has survived to the end of a season since 2002.
But coach OJ is blowing off those threats just like he blows off an indictment. "Ain't nobody leaving this league," he says.
OJ really has gotten his whole team buying into the terrorism program. Each week someone tells Brett Favre a close family member just died before gametime, and he has responded emotionally by playing out of his mind off for three straight weeks now. Matt Schaub added, "I used to be an all-American type ... where did that get me?  Backup to Ron Mexico? Now I am so happy playing for Hezbollah, a salam alaykum, praise allah. I'm sick of freedom !! Let the terrorists win I say, just like they are winning at football!" 
TJ (Terrorist Jihad) Houshmzamama says, "I agree. They must know how to run a country, coz they really can run a fantasy team." 
Randy Moss is keeping on his best behavior because coach promised him 73 virgin crackwhores if the team wins the championship.

League historians looked through past spreadsheets to find out what Beirut had to beat to become the greatest expansion team of all time. Here is a year-by-year chart of the best JCFFL expansion teams.

1998 Princesses 7-4 (inaugural season had mid-season expansion teams)
1999 Flyers 7-7
2000 Tadpoles 8-6
2001 Circus Honkeys 4-9
2002 Lounge Lizards 8-7
2003-2006 n/a