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The Official Newspaper of JCFFL

In 1998 a crack commando unit was sent to prison for a crime they most certainly did commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the football underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune.

 If you are looking for a fantasy football league
 If no other league will take you
 And if you can find them
 Maybe you can join the JCFFL


2017 Mid-Season Tower of Power

1. Orlando Swingers

7-0, 557.27 pts, PreToP: 2nd
DROPS: DMcFadden, DAdams, KBenjamin, ARI D
ADDS: LMurray, JReed, CHogan, NO D

The Swingers have flaws, but their annual secret weapon of having a set of K's whose corresponding D's are unowned has paid off yet again. Every bit as insufferable as the NE Patriots are, the Orlando team maximizes every edge. Their 11 game win streak dates back to last year.  A win next week would give them the best start in JCFFL history. However, the last team to go 7-0 finished 3-4 and didn't reach the big game. 
Lil Breezy and the Cuzz have lived up to their billing as the top QB pair. Just like those Duke boys, Ezekiel Elliott continues to evade the long arm of the law. LeVeon Bell is trying to chase Zeke down for the title of top RB dog, but like Boss Hogg and Roscoe P. Coltrane, he just can't catch up.  
Melvin Gordon and DeAndre Hopkins are raking in touchdowns, and 3-year Swinger holdover SEA D continues to do their thing. The kinks are present, but the Swingers wouldn't have it any other way. Fortunately no coach is better than Alyssa Milano at stroking her players' egos in just the right way.

2. Rhode Island Quahogs

5-2, 547.24 pts, PreToP: 4th
ADDS: None

This is the truest set-it-and-forget-it lineup in the league.  Seattle's passing game emergence finally made Russell Wilson a top tier JCFFL QB. QB2 Wentz taking a leap in his sophomore season is pure chowder for the Quahogs. 
RI's trio at RB isn't going to sauté anybody's oysters, but they do have the highest floor in the league, so Rhode Island won't get their clams burned by them either.  Quahog fans know their wideouts, where they get to enjoy franchise studs giggity-giggity Gronk and Green continue to make the rest of the league look silly. 
Outside of Wentz, the real surprise is the super effective MIN D and K pairing with an opportunistic MIA D occasionally coming through in a pinch.  Rhode Island's bid for the greatest JCFFL season ever was ruined in the Super Bowl last year, and apparently New England takes losing championships very personally.

3. London Princesses

4-3, 492.90 pts, PreToP: 7th
DROPS: CPalmer, TColeman, DParker, KWhite
ADDS: ASmith, CThompson, AThielen, THill

London's current pattern of win 3, lose 3 will have the Princesses making the Super Bowl... and losing it. Coach Prince Charles is hopeful his constant tinkering has ended the 'lose 3' portion.  Charles grabbed Chris Thompson and Tyreek, two of the NFL's most electric players, although their limited snaps result in boom or bust scores.  He also doubled down on QB-WR combos, adding Alex Smith/Tyreek Hill to go with franchised Ben/Antonio. 
 But the real gem in the prince's crown was snatching up Kareem Hunt early in the draft.  Hunt along with PIT D has given the team a solid weekly foundation to hedge the coach's feast or famine game strategy.

4. Quebec Icepick

4-3, 493.16, PreToP: 8th
DROPS: BPowell, LBlount
ADDS: AJones, DMartin

Rookie coach Leah Remini, the early surprise hit of the 2017 season, has Quebec right in the thick of the playoff hunt.  She's making Quebec fans remember Trebek like Rams fans remember Jeff Fischer.
While Trebek always questioned whether he should ever touch the roster at all, Remini took the polar bear plunge right in and has chiseled out her vision for the team.  Her cold-as-ice pickups of Doug Martin and Aaron Jones shored up their biggest positional liability.  GB's loss of Aaron Rodgers hurts Jordy Nelson's value, but Quebec's Evans and Tate more than make up for it. 
However, the real standout in Quebec's early success has been JAX D somehow becoming the gold standard for JCFFL defenses.  The fact that they get 6 games against the AFC South is the iceberg on top of the cake.

5. Boston Road Rage

4-3, 479.65 pts, PreToP: 3rd
DROPS: JMixon, TMontgomery, MBryant, DAL/DET K
ADD: JMcKinnon, ODarkwa, DParker, SEA/JAX K

Boston lost the heart and soul of its team when Beckham Jr. broke his leg, but Coach Hoff remains optimistic.  After all, Boston still has a winning record. Their other franchise cornerstone, LeVeon, finally got untracked last week with a big game.  Besides, someone else will turn up. The Hoff has never had any problems giving the boot to anyone who doesn't meet his German standard of excellence.
It's been 13 years since the Road Rage have been shut out of the Super Bowl playoffs, the longest streak in JCFFL history.  An injury to one franchise player isn't going to end it this year.

6. Baltimore Baltimorons

5-2, 473.14 pts, PreToP: 5th
ADDS: None

Instead of the Zombie Horde, it was the Baltimoron franchise who literally set it and forgot it.  The only change to their roster this season came when Commish awarded them Buck Allen after sentimental franchise favorite porn name mascot Danny Woodhead got injured again. 
Baltimore can thank the arrival of the Gurley Man for their sterling 5-2 record. Who knew Jeff Fisher was such a terrible coach?  Their Matt Ryan-to-Julio connection hasn't been as strong as last year, but thankfully Julio is still catching balls.
The BAL/RAM D combo has been a nice surprise too.  As was the case last year, an injury to Julio or Gurley could derail Baltimore's season in a hurry.  But if they avoid the bug, Scary Spice can continue to forget she ever was named a JCFFL coach and the Baltimorons should make the playoffs.

7. Cuban Zombie Horde

4-3, 465.22 pts, PreToP: 1st
DROPS: EManning, TRiddick
ADDS: MMariota, Duke Johnson

Cuba's lineup was portrayed as the GOAT in preseason. Coach Trump planned to set-it-and-forget-it and just concentrate on making tweets this season. Then hurricane David Johnson wiped out fantasy's #1 player, putting a quick end to that notion.  
Without the dynamic David Johnson, the Cuban RB squad can't sneak past border patrol.  DeMarco Murray was a solid #2, but as a #1 RB he's underperforming bigly. #3 Duke Johnson runs like a ship taking on water, big water.
Who could have foreseen the lack of production out of their WRs?  Michael Thomas is lost in the Saints spread attack, Larry Fitzgerald is hampered by the rash of Cardinal injuries. Doug Baldwin didn't break out until last week.  "Nobody knew fantasy football could be this complicated," said Trump.  "Regardless, it hardly matters. That I can tell you."   It's true. The Zombies are led by Tom Brady, the greatest undead field general in the NFL. If there's anyone in the game who could single-mindedly will a team into the playoffs, it's the lifeless, soulless unstoppable husk of #12.

8. Mexico Cartel

0-7, 386.11 pts, PreToP: 9th
DROPS: WGallman
ADDS: DMcFadden

Coach El Chapo may be good at organized crime, but he's been a failure at organizing his schedule around making weekly picks. The Cartel's winless season thus far can be directly attributed El Chapo's negligence. The drug lord has failed to emerge from hiding on a weekly basis to submit his pick sheet. Those lost points are coming back on Mexico like a bad plate of chalupas.
Also hurting the organization are its vaunted drug mules - the RB trio once praised as the JCFFL's kingpins in preseason.  But Cook was fried, Freeman was jailed, and Lynch was hung out to dry. Fortunately, Marshawn realized his physical skills are gone and stepped up in other ways. Heroically, he already has earned 10 BPs for next week. That will be his best scoring output all season despite being suspended. 
Will that be enough to bag Mexico win #1, something proving to be as elusive as the coach himself?  El Chapo's Mexican gang should have enough firepower to grab three wins and avoid matching their worst season ever.  But do they have enough to claim a TB win?  The Cartel's only TB championship led to their only SB championship the following year.

9.  Winston-Salem Dysfunction

2-5, 398.94 pts, PreToP: 10th
DROPS: MMariota 
ADDS: MTrubisky

BREAKING NEWS... Is Detroit rocker Ace Frehley a closet Bears fan?  Scandalous.  Coach Frehley made one of his patented rare-as-a-solar-eclipse moves a couple weeks ago, and it was a doozy.  Ace dumped Mariota (fresh off an injury) for Chicago rookie Trubisky (fresh off being a laughingstock NFL early 1st round choice).  Good old Mitch has rewarded the Dysfunction with a negative score every week since the promotion.  Yet, like the Bears, Winston-Salem has not gone winless with Mitch. The Dysfunction took a win in Week 6 with 58.99 points, the lowest winning score of the 2017 season.   While the team may be toilet-bound, the future looks brighter. Potential stud RB Fournette  is one to build a franchise around.  The jury is still out on coach's pet Trubisky.

10.  Charlotte Mucks

0-7, 360.02 pts, PreToP Rank: 6th
ADDS: LBlount, WFuller, BUF/DET D, LAR/DAL K

Charlotte's 2017 playoff aspirations depended upon cashing in on Aaron Rodgers' discount double checks until that account ran dry. But the State Farm was foreclosed upon early when Aaron injured his collarbone. Not that the Mucks were going anywhere fast with Rodgers - he led Charlotte to exactly 0 wins while healthy.
All but mathematically eliminated from the playoffs, Charlotte now gets half a season to concentrate on finding a potential franchise teammate for their all-world quarterback. 
Given the Mucks' roster, Coach Norris might be better off aiming for the holy trinity: Toilet Bowl win, Weekly Picks win, and College Bowl Pool win. That feat has never been done in JCFFL history.





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