League News -- Joe Casaletto's Fantasy Football League

JCFFL
League News

The Official Newspaper of JCFFL

In 1998 a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they probably did commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the fantasy football underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as fantasy football soldiers of fortun. If you are looking for a kickass fantasy league, if no other league will take you, and if you can find them, maybe you can join the JCFFL.

2010 Mid-Season Tower of Power

1. Alaska GOP

Player that personifies team: Terrell Owens CIN

Alaska coach Limbaugh has done a masterful job controlling the league's agenda behind the scenes. Acting as puppetmaster to the impressionable coach Levi Johnston of Haiti, Limbaugh's repeated raids on Haiti's roster has left the Haters roster as bankrupt as the Social Security trust fund, while the well-stocked GOP gets as fat and happy as a defense contractor.
Much like the 2010 Republican party, the GOP roster is dangerously deranged and everyone knows it. But that only adds fuel to their fire. Alaska is a runaway freight train that will not be denied another shot at the Super Bowl.

2. Bell Bloated Salaries

Player that personifies team: LaDainian Tomlinson NYJ
Never has overdrafting previously underperforming players paid off so handsomely. LaDainian, Flacco, Calvin Johnson, and the Mike Williams brothers have been shockingly reliable so far. As long as the checks keep clearing, we'll extend this team's line of credit into a rare SB playoff appearance.

3. Winston Salem Dysfunction

Player that personifies team: TN D
Coach Bernanke believes high risk takers gain the greatest rewards. This is the reasoning behind Winston-Salem's dysfunctional pattern of having one good player holding down each position (QB Philip Rivers, RB Frank Gore, WR Greg Jennings) backed up by worthless scrubs (Colt McCoy, Deion Branch, Ronnie Brown). But the glue holding this house of cards together is the TN D. With six straight weeks of scoring BPs, highlighted by TN coaches and team owner getting fined for flipping fans off, the Titans are a country jambaroo of bonus-point excellence.

4. Quebec Interrogatives

Player that personifies team: Ben Rapistberger PIT
Like the Steelers, Quebec has managed to muddle through the first part of their season basically without a QB. Trebek's boys fought through the Sanchez/Cassell double jeopardy period and currently stand at a respectable 4-3. Now solid at every position (except for questionable D), the Interrogatives have plenty of assets to make a deep run in the playoffs.

5. Orlando Swingers

Player that personifies team: Arian Foster HOU
Much like the Nazis, this team will not surrender the flag until we storm the beach and take it from them. Sure the loss of Tony Romo stings, but Orlando's Arian Nation is relentles. Don't appease the Fourth Reich (4 JCFFL titles), or your team will surely end up sucking a cannister of Zyklon-B.

6. San Antonio Muckrackers

Player that personifies team: Rashard Mendenhall PIT
The Muckrackers play both sides of the Steeler coin. Any falloff by Mendenhall will be a problem; the Ryan Mathews/Jamal Charles backup RB duo is among the shittiest in the league. However, more passing by PIT in the 2nd half of the year is good news to Muckracker WRs Hines Ward and Mike Wallace.
What this San Antonio recipe boils down to is the classic Texas stew: they'll finish with a middle-of-the pack winning record, grab one of the back-end SB playoff slots, and then politely two-step out of the picture.

7. Shady Acres Rehab

Player that personifies team: Ray Rice BAL
Balancing out the thought-to-be scrub teams at the top of the rankings, we have the Shady Acres juggernaut putting up an epic fail. If we could harness the power of Rehab's preseason hopes exploding, we would have an energy source greater than anything Jules Verne ever imagined.
From Ray "I forgot how to score touchdowns" Rice to Matt "I could not beat out Derek Anderson" Leinart, this roster holds more disappointments than Eminem's recent discography. Originally thought in the preseason to be the best team in the league by far, now it looks like Rehab might not even make the postseason.

8. London Princesses

Player that personifies team: Darren McFadden OAK
London's forecast is foggy: no team was harder to rank.
The Princesses are bejeweled with players (McFadden, Carson Palmer, Kenny Britt) who will give you nothing three weeks in a row and then randomly explode for 25 points. But they take their que from kindly coach Prince Charles, who won a Bundy but neglected to re-name another team. This team has their moments, but possesses no killer instinct. In the end, they will end up holding a meaningless crown like the Jan Brady Award.

9. Vatican City Cardinals

Player that personifies team: Larry Fitzgerald ARI
The Cardinals are in a kind of purgatory. They have lots of talented players who are doing crappy in fantasy because they play for bad teams that can't score. These players will reap a rich reward in the next life (future seasons), when they can escape their current situations.

10. Boston Road Rage

Player that personifies team: Miles Austin DAL
The Road Rage have hit the acceptance phase - like when you reach a dead stop in completely gridlocked traffic, put the car in park, and start making calls on your cell phone. They are not going anywhere in 2010.

11. Haiti Haters

12. Montgomery Village Idiots

Player that personifies team: Ryan Torain WAS
Wes's absence at the draft resulted in a disturbing scarcity of Redskins on the roster. This situation has since been rectified. There are now four Redskins in the Village, which is probably too much of a good thing.

2010 Pre-Season Tower of Power

1. Shady Acres Rehab

Another season, another rapper in NC. Eminem takes control of a team loaded with talent. Rehab ranks six points higher than anyone else according to the ironclad USA Today / Ricky Brake ranking system. The ranking formula is so meticulous, it's almost pointless to even play out the season, as the end result is certain.

Other teams are only continuing on in the hope and expectation that Slim Shady will screw things up again like he always does with Kim.

2. San Antonio Muckrackers

The Mucks have been the most invisible team in the league for years. They remain the only original team never to get a Bundy re-naming, and have not been a serious threat to get into the SB since Marshall Faulk walked the earth. Blame for the malaise inevitably fell on the coach: they were the Maria Sharapovas of fantasy football.

With the hiring of Lady Gaga as coach, that all should end this season. This team wants to at least garner headlines, if nothing else . Rashard Mendenhall has already personified their new drama queen persona, faking a broken arm during practice this week.

3. Winston Salem Dysfunction

After making the controversial move of picking Philip RIvers over Chris Johnson in last season's kicked-out team lottery, the Dysfunction pretty much had to retain Rivers services as franchise player to save face.

They have doubled down and put all their chips on the Rivers-to-Vincent Jackson connection, which just might be crazy enough to work if Vincent ever ends his holdout.

4. Boston Road Rage

There was an awkward moment at Coach Hasselhoff's Comedy Central roast when one of the star roasters turned out to be former Road Rage coach Jerry Springer. The Hoff got past it and put Jerry in his place. Now the team must get past the angry fan reaction caused by Hoff moving the team to Boston, then dumping Tom Brady as franchise QB.

5. Haiti Haters

Their players may be ranked 5th overall, but the Haters team surely ranks last in our hearts. In a move indicating how short Haiti's expected tenure will last in JCFFL, the league has assigned Levi Johnson as coach . Levi is someone whose name we are aware of now, but soon will disappear into irrelevance, never to be heard from again.

6. Orlando Swingers

The Swingers unleashed the kraken on the league again last year, taking home the championship for the fourth time and claiming the title as team of the '00s. But it is a new decade now, and the ranking system says Orlando's choice of franchising two QBs is a swing and a miss. The scrubbiest set of WRs in the league could have this team scrapping just to make the playoffs.

7. Montgomery Village Idiots

One thing we can be sure of is that whenever the Redskins have a good team again, the Idiots will rise right along with them. The second thing we can be sure of is that that will not be happening this year.

Village fans couldn't believe their luck when 2009 QB McNabb actually joined their beloved Redskins. So with McNabb safely franchised, Wes Young skipped the draft conference call. Autopick brought no new Redskins, leaving MV fans to gaze sadly toward the visitor's sideline with tears in their eyes this fall when Clinton Portis and Santana Moss come to town.

8. Alaska GOP

With Chris "3000 yds or bust" Johnson and Drew Brees battling it out for MVP honors, there's not much else for the team to worry about on the field. All Coach Limbaugh plans to do is let Brees and Johnson do their thing, and hope his other players don't kill anybody - or themselves.

Alaska stocked the rest of their roster with the biggest group of misfits, criminals and psychos ever assembled on one team in an effort to flood the scoreboard with bonus points.

9. Bell Bloated Salaries

Taking a que from Henson's beloved Raiders, the Bell plan is to pay their players superduperstar salaries in the hope that this will force them to actually become good players. Ask Raiders fans how that is working out.

Also, the ghost of Al Davis said to pick Johnny Knox because he thought that was the guy from Jackass.

10. Quebec Interrogatives

Coaching Quebec for so many frustrating years has caused Alex Trebek's mustache hairs to fall out, but he doesn't give up. Finally cutting Carson Palmer loose gave the QI the opportunity to grab Big Ben Roethlisberger. "We can handle his antics," said Alex. "I coached Vick & Plaxico, and they both... ended up doing hard time... crap, we're screwed again, aren't we?"

11. Vatican City Cardinals

Vatican City will be led by new coach Mel Gibson's mix of Christianity and insanity. The Vatican's marketing department has coined a new catchphrase, "Christinsanity," and team t-shirts are the biggest seller in Rome since pizza.

How insane is the new team leadership? As the draft moved along, it slowly became evident that the Cardinals' plan was... to load up on Detroit Lions. While this has proven to be a poor strategy in every year since 1957, Mad Mel has seen a vision saying this year will be different.

12. London Princesses

Who is the star on this team? Anybody? Bueller .. Bueller? This is what happens when the owner concentrates on locking up PIT D and K each draft, then orders 3 pizzas, grabs a beer and turns on the game.

London's top-ranked player is #13 QB Carson Palmer, who bites the big one in week 14 every year like clockwork. That's playoff round 1. This year's Bengals opponent in week 14: the Steelers. Hey, at least the Princess' own PIT D will be the beneficiary.

Most Interesting Start

Inspired by the flight attendant who decided not to take any more shit from passengers, former BP CEO Tony Hayward is now also former JCFFL Commish. Hayward was on a flight to a league meeting when he had a change of heart, grabbed a beer, told everyone they could kiss his ass, and pulled open the emergency exit door to slide away to his waiting limo driver.
In a hastily convened meeting, league officials went back to their old standby of hiring people that they see on TV commercials and picked The Most Interesting Man in the World as the new Commish.
TMIMITW said his first order of business would be to call all the league owners to a meeting in which he would punch them all in the face, and for some reason they would thank him for it.

New Commish for 2010

Old Commissioner Joe Lieberman's contract was not renewed, but in a tactical political move Joe changed parties and refused to leave office.
Tony Hayward of BP was brought in to deal with the situation, because from what can be gathered from TV commercials, he is a big-time CEO who knows how to get things done and make things right.
Hayward had Lieberman dragged outside, loaded into a cannon, and fired into a wall. "For those affected by Lieberman's death, I am deeply sorry," said Hayward. "We will honor all legitimate life insurance claims. There are no legitimate claims. Nothing could have prevented this tragedy, so do not bother with an investigation. We are sorry. We will make this right. We will get 'er done. We will use his corpse to plug the oil hole."
Per league bylaws, Hayward became the new Commish after defeating Lieberman in mortal combat.
Hayward plans to honor Lieberman's deal to hold the 2010 Toilet Bowl in Juarez, Mexico's worst drug war city. The TB winner will receive a one-year subscription to People Magazine in Espanol, while the TB loser will get a two-year subscription.
Hayward has decreed that in order to give the game a 2010 feel, the playing surface will be covered 3 inches deep with oil from the Deepwater Horizon spill.
Rubble from the famous Taco Bell Dog Stadium is being trucked in to Juarez from Tijuana and crews are on hand reassembling the famed venue for this special event.

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