The Official Newspaper of JCFFL
In 1998 a crack commando unit was sent to prison for a crime they most certainly did commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the football underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune.
If you are looking for a fantasy football
by Drew Geaslen
It is absolutely hilarious how poorly the Pre-Season Tower of Power rankings turned out. But annoyingly, the still-#1 team was right (so far).
Obama is still president, and in honor of his leadership style, we look forward and not backward. Onward to the newly updated rankings!
12. Mexico Cartel (0-7)
OUT - Blake Bortles JAC, Ameer Abdullah DET, Rashad Jennings NYG
IN - Landry Jones PIT, Arian Foster MIA, Darren Sproles PHI
The Cartel runs smoothly when El Chapo is safely locked away and prevented from making any roster moves. With that in mind, the corrupt judge entrusted with handling Mexico's draft had seemingly drafted a foolproof set-it-and-forget-it lineup. But their roster full of breakout candidates was quickly exposed as being full of broken down players.
Top picks Gurley Man, Mama's Boy Wilson, and Broken Bottles played so horribly, they must have been high on their own supply. Ultimately, such a sad state of affairs could not stand. Last week, El Chapo murdered the judge who presided over the Cartel's draft. Now the beleaguered coach has taken a direct role managing the team. El Chapo's intimidation tactics are so feared, Arian Foster immediately retired from professional football after his 9 total yd debacle last week. "I'd rather see all my Arian Foster stock options crash than risk getting straight up murdered," he whined.
No JCFFL team has ever gone an entire season without a win. Is this the year?
11. DPRK Kidnapped Koreans (1-6)
OUT - Eddie Lacy GB, Jeremy Langford CHI, Chris Ivory JAC,
IN - Rashad Jennings NYG, Jordan Howard CHI, Jeremy Hill CIN
The Biebs' man crush Dak Prescott has been fantastic at winning games for the Cowboys, but the same cannot be said for fantasy teams. Korea's vaunted "Dak and Flac Attack" has instead given its fans "wack and yak attacks." Even QBs not playing for the DPRK are killing the team. Blake Bortles' terrible season is earning Korea's' top pick Allen Robinson the "Bust of the Draft" award.
The biggest issue for this team is that they are not playing like a team. It is certain that one or two Koreans will ginsu the league on any given weekend, while the rest bow their heads in respectful silence.
Coach Bieber calls it the "headliner" system. Quote: "Hey bro, we can't all fit on one stage." The result is that the Kidnapped, along with the Cartel, are the only teams to not score 70 points at least one time so far this year.
10. Quebec Interrogatives (2-5)
As per usual, Quebecois are questioning why Trebek's tenure as the Interrogatives host has lasted so long. This year's double jeopardy was instigated by abandoning Tom Brady during the offseason. Local talking heads can't stop talking about how Brady saved Quebec's season last year and what a great safety blanket he would've been this year with Cam banged up. Their annoying buzz sounds all the worse because they speak French.
Quebec's season is French toast. This will not work out like last year, when the Interrogatives miraculously had Tom Brady fall into their lap mid-season. Just last week there was still hope, with rumors swirling around the league that Cuba, the 2016 owner of Mr. Brady, was on the verge of getting ousted. However, Cuba is back to stay this week after submitting a picks form.
17 years into his regime, it's plainly clear by now that Trebek has got no other move outside of picking up prize scraps from kicked-out teams. The failures of 2016 have brought on no roster changes and no plan B. Are you fucking kidding me? Trebec vous morceau chanceux de merde!
9. London Princesses (3-4)
OUT - Jimmy Garoppolo NE, Mark Ingram NO, Christine Michael SEA, Charles Sims TB, Jeremy Maclin KC, Michael Floyd ARI
IN - Sam Bradford MIN, Chris Ivory JAC, Tevin Coleman ATL, Fozzy Whittaker CAR, Michael Crabtree OAK, Michael Thomas NO
The Princesses are the Bizarro-SF Giants, spending even years in the toilet while losing the Super Bowl every odd year for the past half-decade. After Roethlisberger was injured, it appears London is toilet-bound once more. Live by the Roethlis burger, die by a massive heart attack, or so the saying goes.
To make matters worse, the Princesses lost their best back Tevin Coleman last week as well.
Although Londoners won't get to watch Big Ben hit Antonio'clock anytime soon, at least they can look forward to Cleveland playing Washington in person this week. The NFL's generosity knows no bounds!
8. Geneva Squid (3-4)
OUT - JET D, JAX D
IN - SF D, HOU D
Shia LeBouf was hands-off while the Squids floundered to a 1-4 start, despite preseason claims of ripping off heads if the team didn't perform. It wasn't until his Elvis impersonator wedding minister told him Geneva's defenses were playing like hound dogs that Shia made a roster move. The Squids then swam towards the top with two straight wins to keep their playoff hopes alive.
The loss of Shady McCoy and now CJ Anderson leave only David Johnson and a cast of scrubs to keep the team afloat. The Squids could really use Dez back on the field.
All of that is nothing to worry about compared to Geneva's QB play. Jameis Winston has only briefly shown flashes of his upside this season. Tyrod should be very worried that Shia is going to rip off his head and shit down his neck if he keeps underwhelming.
7. Baltimore Baltimorons (4-3)
OUT - Danny Woodhead SD, Sammy Watkins BUF, Eric Decker NYJ, CIN D, DET D
IN - Matt Asiata MIN, Michael Floyd ARI, Steve Smith BAL, ATL D, DAL D
Tough to say if Coach Rawlings-Blake got more heat from pundits over her handling of the Baltimore riots or keeping Matt Ryan over Adrian Peterson. The good news for the Baltimorons is, it appears she is a better JCFFL coach than mayor. Peterson quickly went down with an injury for the season, while Ryan is in the MVP conversation.
In a crowded field of all-world players, Julio Jones is heads above the rest this year. Lamar Miller has been decent, but still hasn't validated his 1st round selection. Regardless, the Baltimorons have done well to hold a winning record at the halfway point of the season.
6. Charlotte Mucks (3-4)
OUT - Duke Johnson CLE, Randall Cobb GB, Jordan Reed WAS, Travis Kelce KC
IN - Christine Michael SEA, John Brown ARI, Doug Baldwin SEA, Ty Montgomery GB
Charlotte's return as a JCFFL city hasn't gone as lovely as anticipated. Aaron Rodgers has looked rather pedestrian and Jamaal Charles' days as the best back in fantasy seem to be well behind him. But the Mucks potentially saved their season last week, escaping with a win that was the third lowest win total of this season.
That win keeps them a game back. While overall points are an issue, Rodgers had a great game and could be returning to form in time for the stretch run. On top of that, Freeman is poised to become a monster in the backfield now that he isn't splitting carries with Coleman. ARI D has allowed only 9 points in their last 9 quarters. Other issues remain, but the future is looking rosier in Charlotte after a big win.
5. Winston-Salem Dysfunction (4-3)
OUT - Julian Edelman NE
IN - Will Fuller HOU
Winston-Salem needed their young QBs Carr and Cousins to step up if the Dysfunction were going to excel this season. So far, the duo has been up to the task. It also helps to lead the league in bonus points and draft the 2nd best defense with one of the last selections in the draft.
Add it all up, and Winston-Salem has scored the second most points in the league - though in true Dysfunction form, they sit in fifth place at 4-3. That may have fans thinking "Hard Luck Woman," but Coach Frehley is hoping it becomes "Winston-Salem Rock City" by season's end.
4. Rhode Island Quahogs (6-1)
OUT - Keenan Allen SD
IN - Jeremy Maclin KC
Rhode Island's 6-1 record is nice, and those wins are banked too. Nobody can take them away now. But those wins look as good as their Quahog nickname: U-G-L-Y. Until last week's 85 point breakout, the Quahogs' five wins were all amongst the 14 lowest win totals on the year.
But it would be foolish to think this team is getting lucky every week. The loss of Keenan Allen hurt, but AJ Green and the return of Gronk are more than make up for it. Their run game has been a surprising strength with Hyde, Murray, and Gordon reaching paydirt multiple times each week. Paired that with the best defense (Minnesota), and the Quahogs can start printing playoff tickets.
The lone weak spot is at the helm, where Mariota has been carrying Manning the Younger's ass all year.
3. Cuban Zombie Horde (5-2)
OUT - Adrian Peterson MIN
IN - Jerick McKinnon MIN
Tom Brady won a Super Bowl and the NFL suspended him for it. He took the Interrogatives out of the toilet, into the playoffs, and they canned him afterwards. Now, playing for the presidential candidate many believe he supports but he won't confirm, Tom finds himself potentially looking for new JCFFL work again as Trump looks for an exit strategy to this shitshow he has brought upon himself. Can somebody please give Brady a break? No. Fuck that guy.
The Zombie Horde are strong at every position and have a chance at the title, but that all depends on The Don. So much to worry about, what with the winless and imaginary Mexican threat, who-knows-what coming out of wherever from his replacement at Commish, and then there's that whole self-flagellation tour/campaign to become the most despised person in America contest against Hillary Clinton. So if his JCFFL team folds due to his incompetence, it just becomes another tax write off.
2. Boston Road Rage (5-2)
OUT - Thomas Rawls SEA, DeAngelo Williams PIT, Alshon Jeffery CHI, HOU D, CAR K
IN - Devontae Booker DEN, Jay Ajayi MIA, Randall Cobb GB, LA D, PHI K
The Hoff is once again doing a masterful job leading the Rage. Despite Bell's early 3 game suspension, Boston was able to earn a winning record in the games he was out. The Road Rage's other franchise cornerstone Beckham Jr. has at least been lighting up the bonus point board, if not the scoreboard.
And it doesn't even matter if injured QB Romo ever returns, because Rivers is putting up crazy numbers without a defense or a run game in San Diego. The rest of the lineup gets shuffled at the Hoff's discretion, and thus far he is making all the right draws.
1. Orlando Swingers (6-1)
OUT - Latavius Murray OAK, Josh Gordon CLE, John Brown ARI, LA D
IN - Mark Ingram NO, Cole Beasley DAL, Davante Adams GB, CIN D
While the preseason pundits called the Swingers' top ranking dubious, half a season's games by Orlando has proven it to be irritatingly correct.
Luck and Breezy battle it out to see who can put the league's second highest QB score on the bench each Sunday. The only thing preventing Ezekiel from being the league MVP at this point are his Dallas teammates vulturing touchdowns from him. SEA D continues to be SEA D. Evans still produces despite the all the drops.
A strong start, yes, but every other team will take their best shot at the defending champs and wins won't be any easier down the road. And as many of the teams at the bottom can attest, one key injury can quickly derail any team's season.