Each Commish is listed in chronological order.
League bylaws state that in order to take over the job of Commish, you must
somehow defeat the incumbent. This can be accomplished in various ways,
although hand-to-hand combat is the most respected method.
1998 - Joe Casaletto
1998 - Taco Bell Dog
1999 - Joe Casaletto
1999 - John Gotti, Jr.
1999 - Saddam Hussein
2000 - U.S. Supreme Court Justices
2000 - Lassie
2000-01 - Mike Tyson
2002 - Jerry Lewis
2003-04 - O.J. Simpson
2005 - Rafael Palmeiro
2006 - Barry Bonds
HALL OF FAME
Click here to visit the
Bonus Point Hall of Fame
CHAMPIONSHIP GAMES
SUPER BOWL I (1998)
Orlando Swingers 54, NYC Steel Curtain 26
Thousands of TV viewers turned off the first
JCFFL Super Bowl in disgust after Orlando Swingers RB Jamal Anderson scored a
touchdown and began doing his “Dirty Chicken” dance, in which he actually
"does it" with a chicken.
SUPER BOWL II (1999)
Tijuana Teletubbies 83, Charlotte Road Rage 51
The Tijuana team had been re-named from
JailBreaks to Teletubbies by Charlotte thanks to the league's first-ever Bundy
Award earlier in the season. The bad blood between the two teams became
worse when Tijuana QB/team captain/coach Doug Flutie tragically died on the 50
yard line just before halftime after being dogpile tackled by the entire
Charlotte team.
Carlos Santana, who had been hired to provide the halftime entertainment, became
the emergency Teletubby interim coach. Santana inspired the team by saying (in Spanish),
"Dougie would have wanted us to run up the score as high as
possible!" Edgerrin James scored 3 TDs in helping Tijuana win
this emotional game by
a 32-point margin.
SUPER BOWL III (2000)
San Antonio Muckrackers 75, Orlando Mouseketeers 63
The typical Super Bowl pre-game hype turned
ugly in 2000 when the San Antonio Muckrackers used their Al Bundy Award from the
week before to change their opponent's name from Orlando Swingers to Orlando
Mousketeers. Cheerleaders from both sides held press conferences throughout the
week to reveal their latest insulting Mickey Mouse Club cheers about the other
team.
But come game time, it was the Marshall Faulk show. The league MVP could not be
denied as he scored 4 TDs for the second straight week. San Antonio completed
their dream season by outgunning the Mousketeers 75-63.
When reporters asked Marshall what he was going to do after completing the
greatest fantasy season ever had by a player he replied, "First, I'm going
out with the team tonight to drink, party, drink, and get drunk. I'll probably
pick up some groupies and take them back to the hotel room too. Then after we
recover from our victory hangovers, the Muckrackers are going to visit Disney
World and trash the place!!"
When Orlando fans heard about the Muckrackers' "in-your-face"
celebration plans, they would have none of it. Angry mobs took to the streets of
Orlando and firebombed Disney World as well as booby-trapping all of the rides.
"This is the most self-destructive event I've seen a city go through since
the L.A. riots," said Tom Brokaw.
SUPER BOWL IV (2001)
London Princesses 62, Orlando Swingers 53
The royal family spared no expense in
presenting a fantastic national victory celebration after London's win over the
Orlando Swingers in JCFFL Super Bowl IV ran their record 2001 win streak to
eight games and counting. Nothing like this had been seen in England since
the wedding of Charles and Di. Thousands of fans gathered around Big Ben
to witness the victory parade, which included cheerleaders and majorettes,
marching bands, street performers, clowns, jugglers, stilt walkers and acrobats,
plus more than 50 animals from dogs to donkeys. There were even two 75 foot high
toilet bowl balloons to commemorate London's Toilet Bowl wins in 1998 and 2000.
London players stepped up to the mic and took turns gloating about their
glorious victory. Prince Charles promised that a special royal assistant will be
assigned to throw rose petals in front of every player on the team wherever they
go all off-season. Charles also decreed that the Spice Girls will also be
available to service the championship-winning players in whatever way they
desire.
Sorry performances by usually reliable Orlando QBs Peyton Manning and Aaron
Brooks brought up suspicions that the game may have been fixed. Commissioner
Mike Tyson was so angry after reviewing the game tapes, he ordered Manning and
Brooks to report to his house Monday morning in order to receive their ass-whoopings.
SUPER BOWL V (2002)
Philadelphia Assault & Batteries 63, Orlando Transvestite Terror 41
The Batteries' Cinderella story began on a
snowy February day as two Mayflower moving vans rolled the last remnants of the
Buffalo Soldiers franchise to Philly.
New coach Mumia Abu Jamal wanted to draft McNabb in the first round, but
Donovan refused to play anywhere except Philadelphia. So owner Pencek moved the
franchise there - angering the die-hard Vietnam veterans who were the Buffalo
Soldiers' core fan support.
Mumia chose not to designate a franchise player to avoid carrying forward any of
the scrubs who lost the 2001 Toilet Bowl.
Throughout the 2002 season, a cadre of bitter vets traveled to the new stadium
to support the team, only to be frozen out of entering the stadium by the team's
new bandwagon fans. The vets would not give up and continued to live in a
shantytown outside the stadium. Ultimately the vets made sure the season ended
as it began by attacking and destroying the stadium during the Super Bowl
victory celebration.
SUPER BOWL VI (2003)
Okoboji Mucks Cheerleaders 74, San Antonio Muckrackers 70
Tonite we saw the greatest fantasy football game
ever played.
With the Muckrackers staked out to a huge lead and finished for the week, the
Mucks Cheerleaders were in an almost impossible situation. The Cheerleaders were
bitter because the Mucks high score was based mainly on a combined 23 bonus
points from Joe "cell phone" Horn and Jon "Jesus Hat"
Kitna.
The Cheerleaders had three players left, and all of them needed to come thru big
time on MNF: Favre, Ahman Green, and GB D. The Packers were playing against the
worthless Oakland Raiders. The Pack needed this game to keep pace with the
Vikings. The Raiders couldn't give a damn. This was... the perfect storm.
Seeking to honor his dead daddy, Favre busted out of the gate to the tune of 305
yds at the end of the first half. OAK was getting their asses kicked 31-7. So
far A Green hadn't done much. Would GB sit on the ball? Bring in the 3rd
string QB?
The second half kept going well for the Pack, who continued to go to the air
with Favre to Driver passes despite the blowout score. On his way to a 399 yd, 4
TD, 0 INT performance, Favre was having the game of his life. The GB D was
holding up against scrub QBs Mirer and R Johnson. But still, far into the 4th
quarter, the Cheerleaders were still behind the Mucks. Then, with 4:46 left in
the 4th quarter, A. Green scored a rushing TD, and the Cheerleaders took the
lead!! It was a miracle, but there was way too much time left to start drinking
the champagne and cracking open the 40s. GB completely shut down
offensively from this point on, handing off to Tony Fisher exclusively.
Oakland shut that down easily and got the ball back with a little over two
minutes left. If they could score a TD the Muckrackers still win. Tee Martin
took over and locked in on Jerry Rice for 6 straight passes. OAK had the ball at
the GB 10 yd line, under a minute left. If OAK scores the TD, the Muckrackers
win. Then.... POW - Martin gets sacked, fumbles, GB recovers, game over! Read
the spreadsheet! Cut the check! Unbelievable! It is party
time in Okoboji, and we have the 6th straight first-time JCFFL champion.
The second guessers are already out. Coach Rodman of San Antonio dropped
Laveranues Coles this week. Coles got 2 TDs and his replacement did not do jack
.... the Mucks thought it wouldn't matter ... the experts will be analyzing this
one for ages. A true classic.
SUPER BOWL VII (2004)
Orlando Swingers 60.84, Qatar Dwarfs 60.64
In the closest Super Bowl ever, the Orlando Swingers beat the Qatar Dwarfs
in the battle to decide who would become the first two-time JCFFL champion. The Swingers also won SB I in 1998, but had lost 3 other SB's since then.
Coach Alyssa Milano said, "Oh my God - Oh yes - this is the big one! Finally after years of waiting our team has reached the climax! So many times we have gotten close before, but wound up with nothing. Oh it feels so good! It's the first time for me."
Ron Artest provided halftime entertainment by performing a rap show. In a scene which reminded the Swingers of their Toilet Bowl appearance of a year ago, the entire stadium got up to go to the restroom at same time and flushed, causing the plumbing to back up and sewage to flood the field. Billy Volek and Drew Bennett passed out from the fumes, and most of the rest of the Orlando offense underperformed. However, Peyton Manning continued to float up to the top as he has all season. So it all came down to the Week 16 Monday Night Football game.
PHI D had to hold STL to less than 20 pts to secure a win for Qatar. STL wound up scoring exactly 20. Qatar Coach Mini-Me's team came up short in Super Bowl VII by a mere 0.20 pts.
Dwarf D-Coordinator Donald Rumsfeld summed up the losing team's afternoon by saying, "We had to play the SB with the defense we had, not the
one we wanted."
SUPER BOWL VIII (2005)
Charlotte Feminine Itch 95, Orlando Swingers 41
The Feminine Itch broke the JCFFL record for highest score ever in a Super Bowl, achieving 94.64 without the benefit of any bonus points. Santana Moss got the ultimate revenge against his old team by scoring 3 TDs in the Super
Bowl after being drafted & dropped by Orlando earlier in the season. Also going off for the F.I. were Chris Chambers and Larry Johnson w/2 TDs apiece. Their DEN D allowed just 3 pts vs the Oakland Raiders, who look like they are trying to get another coach fired.
Orlando didn't stand a chance. The final margin of victory was 53.4 pts., another record.
It's the holly jolliest Christmas ever in Charlotte, and they're still partying at B of A stadium. David Hasselhoff did some damage to the turf with KITT doing donuts on the 50 yd line. All the former Baywatch babes showed up and watched the game, then went topless a-la Brandi Chastain after the final seconds ticked off the clock. GW Bush called to offer congratulations, but the Coach refused to take the call.
SUPER BOWL IX (2006)
TOILET BOWL I (1998)
London Princesses 37, Iceland Muckrackers 36
London coach Prince Charles gave an inspirational speech
about Diana before the game to his players. The Princesses came on
strong to close out the season, and Prince Charles was rewarded by being voted
coach of
the year by his peers.
TOILET BOWL II (1999)
Vatican City Saints 83, Celina, OH SpeedySquad 30
The Vatican City Saints' losing streak reached a then-record seven straight as the regular season came to a close. In fact, the Saints posted the lowest score in the league each week during the streak.
But perhaps the losing streak was all part of God's plan. It got the Saints into the Toilet Bowl. Preparation for the big game was Pope John Paul II's biggest test as a coach. He had the College of Cardinals staying up all night doing round-the-clock novenas. On the advice of Bobby Bouche (team waterboy) the Pope threw out the Saints' Gatorade supply and switched them to straight holy water.
Toilet Bowl II finally gave long-suffering Vatican City fans something to cheer about. The Saints handed out one of the worst ass-kickings in JCFFL history with a convincing 83-30 win.
The fact that the win came against the completely hopeless Celina, OH SpeedySquad did not stop the Vatican City faithful from partying like it was 1999. Pope John Paul II kicked off the festivities by turning all the water at the Coliseum into wine. Then he got loaded and started blessing everything in sight. The Pope began crying as he addressed the adoring crowd, saying, "I love you, man!" in six different languages.
TOILET BOWL III (2000)
London Princesses 51, Quebec Interrogatives 50
The London Princesses snapped their 8-game
losing streak when they edged Quebec by one point for their second Toilet Bowl
victory in three years.
After the game, reporters asked coach Prince Charles whether he felt proud or
depressed about this accomplishment. Charles replied, "All I know is, the
[Super Bowl III champion] Muckrackers are going to Disney World.
Meanwhile, our team shall retreat back to jolly old England, where we will be
feasting on caviar and bathing in champagne at Windsor Castle until next
fall!"
TOILET BOWL IV (2001)
Quebec Interrogatives 68, Buffalo Soldiers 43
Toilet Bowl IV was played in such a blinding
snowstorm that neither fans nor players nor refs could see what the hell was
going on. It is actually lucky that there was any Toilet Bowl at all. A blizzard dumped seven feet of snow onto Buffalo's Soldier Field over the
course of the week. Toilet Bowl players and coaches appealed to
Commissioner Mike Tyson to call off the game for their own safety, but the Commish
forced them to play as a punishment for sucking so bad all season.
To make matters worse, this terrible game was marred by a terrorist threat by
the Al Que Bundy group. US Attorney General Ashcroft, who prefers to go by his
FBI code name of "Asscrack", had expected trouble. Earlier in the week
Az-Zahir Hakim, Qadry Ismail, Raghib Ismail, and Muhsin Muhammad were rounded up
and detained indefinitely by Asscrack's men. But somehow top Al Que Bundy
operative Rashaan Salaam passed through security. Salaam was responsible for
bringing down the XFL, and he almost did his evil work on the JCFFL as well. As
the national anthem was being played, Salaam rushed onto the field carrying a
bomb. But fate was on the side of the league. Salaam was stuffed by a snowbank
for a two-yard loss, then he fumbled the bomb. Secret Service agents quickly
recovered the bomb and defused it. Salaam was captured, interrogated, and
executed by a military tribunal before the end of the first quarter.
The Arizona kicker was named MVP. After receiving the award, he went into
a joyous Pee-Wee Herman celebration dance and hurt himself.
TOILET BOWL V (2002)
London Princesses 64, Seoul Suicides 44
No one can deny that the London Princesses
were about as sorry as can be in 2002, but postseason is the time when
Princess pride always shines through. London improved their bowl record to 4-0
thanks mainly to an incredible 31.6 pts from Matt Hasselbeck.
The Seoul Suicides have had a fatalistic approach to the season since day one
and didn't care that they lost the Toilet Bowl. At this point they have to be
thankful they’re not dead and at least have enough money to afford Internet
access.
TOILET BOWL VI (2003)
Santa Fe Tree Huggers 53, NY Hamster Miners 41
Last year's Toilet Bowl degenerated into a
riot when thousands of plastic bottles, most filled with beer, were thrown on
the field by fans angry about watching two horrible teams play for
exorbitantly
high ticket prices. In the aftermath of that , the
league office decided to ban all fans from inside the stadium for Toilet Bowl
VI.
"We felt that this was the safest decision," Commissioner O.J.
Simpson said. "We simply felt that if we continued to let our fans inside
the walls of a football stadium for another Toilet Bowl game there could be
another incident. We're playing it safe."
The Tree Huggers (6-10) came into the game about 200 season points and 3 wins
ahead of NY Hamster Miners (2-13) . This lame matchup was as one-sided
as expected.
TOILET BOWL VII (2004)
Quebec Interrogatives 73, Yongsan Leftover Kimchi 67
Coach Trebek's team buzzed in a little late
on the 2004 season. 14 games too late...
Quebec broke their 13 game losing streak with an impressive 73 pts, defeating
the horrendous 1-14 Yongsan Kimchi and winning the Toilet Bowl. Game MVP
was Jerry Porter, who had played at a Toilet Bowl level all year. Not this
week - he got 3 TDs, 148 yds!
TOILET BOWL VIII (2005)
Twin Cities Erectile Dysfunction 57, Tijuana Jenna's Bush 30
They're singing in the streets of Tijuana too, but the song there is "Soy un perdedor ... I'm a loser baby!" Jenna's Bush couldn't even crack 30 pts
(29.68) in their worst effort of the year. Tijuana's top threats LaMont Jordan and Marvin Harrison couldn't be shamed into making the TB roadtrip to the stinking Superdome in New Orleans.
After accepting the TB winner's prize from the Commish (a trophy in the shape of a plunger), Erectile Dysfunction coach Pat Robertson told how he was able to meet with God for several minutes before the game. God said He decided to let the E.D. win today after hearing about P-Rob's faithful devotion to Him all these years.
"God told me to keep the faith, and then he sketched out the perfect offensive play to defeat my opposition with all-powerful wisdom and furious Godly anger," said P-Rob. "I'm feeling blessed."
God must have a real sense of humor, because the vehicle He used to defeat Jenna's Bush was Samkon Gado's shelf replacement player Frank Gore, who scored 2 TDs. That's right, Gore defeated Bush.
God was unavailable for comment, but a source close to the creator says that "Pat has thanked God on many occasions for all his blessings, and God just wanted to return the favor."
TOILET BOWL IX (2006)
